Filed under: General, Relationship(s), Depression
“Bleed these colors open wide”
I promised I would blog, didn’t I? Well here it goes…
“Burning blues from butterflies”
1) Past two weeks have been pretty shitty. Problems have been going on and off and on. Especially with… Bob. It’s over now. And maybe for the best. I feel so alone now… so alone and so pathetic. And maybe I’m not. And maybe I am. But I don’t know.
Maybe it was for the best.
“(Tonight we, Tonight we fly)”
2) I revamped the whole site. Again. Everything should be working now. Including the guestbook which I finally got around to fixing after… after a long time. All the fanlistings are up, including the ones I was approved for many, many months ago.
“Flying faster through the night”
3) My birthday is coming up on Sunday, March 20th. And then the Atreyu concert, the Saturday after that
“Until the orange of morning light”
And that about sums up my life for the past couple of weeks after everything was destroyed.
I am such a boring person. No life, no life, no life. Hah.
“(Dear black goodbye, Dear black goodbye)”
Jealousy is a horrible thing… that’s the reason why we’re over. Jealousy & paranoia of being left for another boy. Because she (his ex) left him for another boy. And he’s constantly afraid of me leaving him for another boy… which I would never. But maybe he has reason to be afraid because most of my best friends are guys. (But then my best friends all have others that they are with or are stuck on.)
I would never leave him… not for another guy. That is just total disrespect and I hate being disrespectful because it is just wrong.
I’ve tried to explain… but I guess… I didn’t try hard enough or something.
“I know it’s hard to make this work/When you’re all alone (Alone)”
I have actually been pretty mature about this, and decided to continue… existing? I can’t find the right word. But something like that, rather than just sitting in my little corner and crying. Being with people makes the hurt disappear for a while. And it’s good. I don’t want to cry at school.
“And I’ve been waiting for so long/To hold you in my arms.”
But then the funny thing is, I get home, and I’m thinking, and everything comes flooding back and I’m sitting and crying again.
“Embrace forever my sweet girl”
I hate crying. It makes me feel so weak. And even more pathetic.
“You are the ghost of everything/that I’m not and I want to be.”
I’ll deal.
Please excuse the randomness of this blog. I don’t feel like making my thoughts make sense right now.
Posted at 5:58 am
6 Comments »
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Actually, it makes a hell of a lot of sense. I understand how you feel as I’ve felt similarly. Things are fine as long as you’re busy - but when the fun is over and all you can do is sit and think….
I like the new layout.
I know why I never see you on AIM anymore. And that’s ok. I’m sure you have your reasons. Just know that I respect you a lot even though I don’t know you very well. And I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I think we could be good friends, if you wanted it.
Either way, I wish you the best.
Comment by Saturn — 3/14/2005 @ 2:33 am
ouch. we all have shitty days. and i can;t handle jealousy very well.
Comment by Affy — 3/14/2005 @ 7:06 pm
Argh, I think I have an idea how you feel…my boyfriend finished with me because, as he said, “it didn’t feel the same, but I do love you"…he had a new girlfriend a week later. Heh. I killed myself over it and all I wanted to do was cry and stay in my room, but then I realised that the world doesn’t stop turning when you get stabbed in the back, and so all you can really do is just carry on. As cheesy and crappy as it sounds, I understand how you feel and I hope you feel so much better soon.
And have a really good birthday. ^_^ I’m excited about mine, and it’s not til July, hehe! xox
Comment by Sinead — 3/15/2005 @ 12:59 am
i figure it’s better to break it of then constantly deal with the stress of accusations all the time. but tell that to the heart. the pain will subside though, you’ll get through it.
on a lighter note, i love the new look. sorry i havent commented it ages. and incase i forget, happy birthday
Comment by sarah — 3/15/2005 @ 2:03 am
Hiya, thanks for commenting on my site. Love your layout. Happy birthday for the 20th. Hope you have a good one!
Comment by Karen — 3/15/2005 @ 2:32 am
Bah. Well, I can understand at least a little more about your recent post after reading this entry. Do not ever think it is your fault. If you let him know that you would never have the heart to cheat on him or leave him for another person, then that is all that needed to be said. Unfortonately, there are some things, a lot of things, that people need to change on their own. Maybe someday or maybe not. *sigh* I blame highschool! Ah, nothing like being alone and reflecting and over-analyzing and completely scaring oneself, eh? It is okay to cry. I do a hell of a lot of it myself. Actually, that is not a lot of comfort coming from someone as instable mentally as me. Either way, I love you and I wish you did not have to deal with all these boy problems. *hugs*
Comment by Sascha — 3/15/2005 @ 11:32 pm